“What in the ENTIRE hell is going on?” That is the question that I asked…..well screamed….to no one in particular. I just screamed it in my own head. It was a cry of desperation and complete and utter submission to my present reality. I had no idea who I was, where I was, let alone how I got there and what had happened to my life. Neither did I know where I was going! It was as if the last 10-15 years of my life were a blur and I felt like a stranger in my own body, mind, spirit and life! Have you ever been there? When you feel like you are a stranger in your own body. Looking in the mirror, you start contemplating plastic surgery….a tummy tuck…stat! Let me google Brazilian butt lift…will it kill me? I don’t want to put that on my obit. OMG, the tatas have lost their “sit up and go”. Wait….is that my scalp, what the hell happened to the hair that was there? Is there a lost and found for your memory?……I can’t seem to remember if I took a shower yesterday. uhmmm…what was I doing? Oh, yeah…I’m writing my first blog! And can someone tell me what on earth is this unGodly, inferno happening in my body. Rudely showing up without any warning, or my permission. It makes me want to strip, fan incessantly, stick my head in the freezer and slap the nearest human being!!!! Hot Flash!
I didn’t recognize myself. Where was my self-confidence? Where was my joy and zeal for the adventure of life? Who took my fearlessness? Where and when did I lose my identity? Why was it so hard to pray? Why couldn’t my degree, certificate and ordination fix my spiritual conundrum? Is there a store to buy yourself back? There were so many questions. So many tears. Neither, it turns out are bad things. Matter of fact, questions and tears were the start of my new beginning.
I learned that questions can be the impetus for self-reflection. Tears are a cleansing ritual, releasing years of pent up pretenses. Questioning. Something that most women are not encouraged to do. Questions for healing and growth were frivolous and frowned upon. They were only valued if they were “what do you need?” or “how can I fix it?”. Who had time for self-reflection? I certainly didn’t ….until I hit the proverbial wall. God heard my cry. The Spirit began to connect the dots. An article here. A book there. A random conversation with a stranger. A song. A quote. The birth of a granddaughter. Divine encounters that lifted the fog just enough for me to hear God say “go within, it’s time for a re-birth”.
Re-birth. Transition. Shift. New beginning. That’s what mid-life is about. God is a genius, and Her timing is impeccable and sacred. Whenever you refuse to flow with the timing of God….you suffer. And it is that suffering that awakens you if you allow it. I don’t mean the rigidity of days, months, years. I mean the flowing of seasons as lead by the Spirit. Because the real you knows when it’s time to shift. The you that is uncovered in self-reflection. My journey within. My “five months of grace for transformation” was right on time. It’s time to come out of birthing and raising and building others. It’s time to birth, raise and build yourself. Let your life speak. Let your light shine. Embrace the Becoming. It’s a new beginning.
Woman rising like a phoenix from the ashes. Like a lotus blooming in the mud. Journey with me…..and pray that I won’t forget to write the next blog…..lol!